Since grade school I've experienced a melancholy cloud descend, dampening my Christmas anticipation and joy. Mom would ask me, "What are you mooning about now? Stand up straight and quit looking so gloomy! No one likes a gloomy person."
I heard parts of sermons at St. Paul's Church in my youth that touched upon thankfulness and this brought shame because I could not pull myself up by the bootstraps and go around smiling and saying 'merry Christmas' to everyone I encountered. It was the celebration of the Savior's birth! I read it in the gospels with feeble stirrings and more shame.
I had heard the phrase, "he'll outgrow it," pertaining to my allergies and accompanying dermatitis and asthma and hoped that would apply to Christmas season gloominess. I never outgrew any of these.
"Oh, for crying out loud, get over it!" That would be the frequent parental admonition that I was incapable of obeying.
And yet it was a bittersweet experience with a few sublime moments; when the Christmas tree was erected in our living room, when mom's mood elevated to occasional cheerfulness, or the time in eighth grade when I felt the dawn of puberty and thrill of my first crush.
Bittersweet it was because it would lead back to the sadness; sadness I couldn't define or isolate, sadness for which I felt apologetic, ashamed.
As an adolescent I drowned these feelings with alcohol, welcoming the warmth, physical and emotional as well as the blackouts, and stinging reprimands from Mom and Dad. Dad got two bottles of top-shelf whiskey from his boss for Christmas so it was easy for me to get drunk and feel some false Christmas cheer.
A kindly physician, Dr. Gardner, explained that depression has cycles which could occur in the winter when the days are short or even in the springtime when darkness gives way to light. Each person has unique cycles. The Christmas season could very well trigger depression, for example in unfulfilled expectations or fear of the death of a loved one. (I used to fear the death of Dad, since he survived two heart attacks.) The elevated stress of Christmas holidays also contributes to a depressed state in some people. More must be accomplished in less time because during the holidays less work time is available.
I believe many are prone to depression including holiday depression and I'm thankful that this is no longer viewed with scorn or impatience. The intensified depression during the holidays accounts for the increased suicide rate.
I don't believe that God frowns upon depression since it is an illness and not a moral shortcoming or an indication of lack of faith in God.. I no longer feel shame for my holiday gloom. God knows us and he understands from even the quantum level why we suffer from depression.
I am blessed with a wonderful wife, Lois who is sympathetic to depressed people, who doesn't chide me or prod me. She is the greatest gift God ever gave me, second to the Savior Himself.
It's cold today, less than ten degrees, but I will suit up for a run of four or five miles in the snow and ice. (I have ice-grippers on my running shoes.) Running invariably helps- it's one of the gifts God has given me, along with compassion for those who suffer the darkness of depression during the holidays.
Merry Christmas and happy New Year, everyone!
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